The London Times
Thursday, December 21, 2000
New Releases:
Merlin: The Return
Warner West End PG, 88min
Rik Mayall is
the ancient conjuror
James Christopher isn’t spellbound by Merlin’s return and thinks the game is up for Pokémon
In the world of ripping yarns, old legends never die. They just get sillier. In Merlin: The Return, yesteryear’s heroes look as fresh as yesterday’s men. Look at that cheeky Rik Mayall as Merlin, scampering around in his underpants and Peter Stringfellow wig. Then there’s dazed and confused Patrick Bergin as King Arthur, wondering where he’s been for the past 1,500 years. Where has he been? Stewing, apparently, in an underground theme park put together by the set designers of It’s A Knockout.
Now King Arthur and chums are back — courtesy of Mayall’s camp conjuror — to sort out ancient grudges and imminent disaster. Not for the first time this month, the world is brought to its knees by the usual bunch of incompetents. A greedy Page Three scientist (Tia Carrere) has found the doorway to another dimension, and she’s threatening to let loose King Arthur’s sworn foe, the evil sorcerer Mordred. He will rule the world. She will rule the test tubes.
The movie bounces haphazardly between Carrere’s barmy lab, Stonehenge and Mordred’s medieval underworld where goons stand around holding burning torches and posh totty witches stroke his mammoth ego. S&M fans across the globe will rise to this stirring clash of big hair, broadswords and preposterous one-liners. “Never trust a lady, Arthur,” growls Craig Sheffer’s Mordred, “let alone a Queen.” “Hmmm,” replies Arthur, stroking his moustache like Basil Fawlty.
Monty Python would be hard pushed to top some of this glorious nonsense but, amazingly, it’s played completely straight.
While Mayall’s Merlin recruits a couple of children to help him, Arthur and his rusty heroes totter around Wiltshire like a band of rebel Swampies looking for a motorway to picket. For no perceptible reason they attack “yon” milk tanker and, failing to capture it, glumly hang out in trees.
The few juicy special effects are stolen by Sheffer’s Mordred, who hogs the film like a glam rock star. One half expects him to whisk an electric guitar from underneath his leather cape. A couple of ghostly special effects might chill young hearts, but this is mostly harmless fun.
Guardian Unlimited
Philip French
Sunday December 24, 2000
Merlin: the Return (88 mins, PG) Directed by Paul Mathews; starring Rik
Mayall, Tia Carrere, Patrick Bergin
'The chosen one' in Merlin: the Return is, naturally, King Arthur (Patrick Bergin). Along with other denizens of Camelot, he's been awoken from Merlin's 1,500-year-old spell by an interfering modern scientist (Tia Carrere), and once more he battles with Mordred to save the world.
In the title role, Rik Mayall, who probably seeks to emulate Nicol Williamson's exasperated Merlin in John Boorman's Excalibur, struggles with a hopeless script and inept direction.
The film looks terrible from its first shot and when early on someone says: 'Guinevere, move your arse and pass the wine', you know there's no hope.
Why this witless film, a co-production between Britain and South Africa, didn't go straight to video is a mystery. I'd have called it bad beyond belief, except that these past two years British films have been so bad we have come to believe in their infinite awfulness.