Kevin Turvey
Remember, Kevin's 'ere.
I've just been reading some of the words they
keep in this history book.
Most of my weeks tend to start here in my
bedroom. This is all my bedroom, everything you can see. As you can see I've
got a bed in it, I keep it over here by the window, because that's exactly where
I go to sleep. Wouldn't be any good if i kept it at the other side of the room
cause I'd just crack me head open every time I wanted to have a bit of a kip.
Besides which, I'd never get it inside the wardrobe. I suppose I could put it
inside that wardrobe, but then where would I keep my clothes??
I said "what in me pajamas?" But he was already down the road so I ran outside and said "what's in me pajamas?" And one of me neighbours said "I dont know whats in your pajamas?!"
Good evening, I suppose.
He said "Scuse me mate, have you got the time?" which is like prostitutes' code. And I said "about sixteen quid"
That's the last time I'm watching Top of the Pops with the curtains open
I opened up the fridge door, and I heard this terrible ringing sound. I thought "oh no, I've smashed me face open on the fridge door again.
I got 'round to Theresa's house, right. I decided not to knock on the door, y'know? 'Cause they got this bell, right? I thought, I'll use this.
I didn't bother to put on my raincoat, cause, like, well, I wasn't really thinking about it, and anyway, it wasn't raining, so that's not really important at all.
This week I've been investigating advice, right, which is another word for help. Well, it's not really. Not if you're drowning, anyway. I mean, you don't swim there going, "Advice! Advice!" I mean, they'd just shout, "Swim, ya brannie!" And then you drown, don't you? It's no good. Well, unless you want to drown, anyway, but that's not important.
Do you know how much bandages cost? Yeah, nor do I. All the chemist's were closed. It took me three hours to find that out.
Don't ask me why. I'm just a strange and interesting person, I suppose. A bit like Anita Harris, only without the bullet hole, y'know.
Well, they couldn't say anything to that, you know, 'cause, like, I was alone in the bathroom when I said it.
I mean, like, I had my legs amputated yesterday, and that's a lie. Quite a good lie, actually. Probably make quite a lot of money with that lie.
I'll tell you what maked me really sick, though. Drinking a pint of salt water and jamming my fingers down my throat. That makes me really sick, that does, so, like, whenever possible, I try to avoid doing that, y'know.
And then you get this horrible stinging pain in the back of your head, and you go, "Ow! Stop hitting me, Mom!" And she says, "what's all this sick?" And you say, "well, it's mainly vegetables, but there's some cornflakes down there, I think, and a cup of tea and things like that, y'know?"
