Richard Richard from Bottom
Shove over, I can't see. I can only see one nipple!
Quick, Eddie, give me a stiff one...Cor thats the stuff!! What was it?
Christ! I nearly got wanker's whiplash then!
I don't think you've been hanging around with the right sort of monkey. Do they
have short hair, moustaches and go to discotheques?
I gave you one pound fifty in good faith - where is my bit of halibut?
Seven eggs...washing-up liquid...hint of Domestos...Jif micro-liquid where are you? Here I am!
Sprouts Mexicane!
Chirst almighty, it's Guy Fawkes' bottom!
Steep! Its effing vertical!!
Crickey O'Blimey!
I knew my crumpometer was going doolally
Hey guys, check out the nursie jug fest at table two!
That's where you're wrong, because I look FANTASTIC!
The
Queen's...jugs? Eddie, A: the Queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty; and B: she would hardly get them out on the back of a fiver. She'd save them up for the fifty.
You can't go, because...I love you! I love you, and I can't live without you.....at least not for the next eight minutes.
Oh...Testicles.
Well,
I showed him...how to completely beat the shit out of me.
I've just turned into just a sort of Marilyn Monroe figure around here, haven't I?
Eddie...Why have you put barbed wire down the middle of the toilet?
I bring good news and bad. There's a yoghurt, but if you want to eat it you'll have to shave it first. There's also a sausage, but it already appears to have been digested...twice!
Welsh
Cannibals!
Is my Skid-Mark showing?
It's no good. I think I've reached my bottom.
Yes, Eddie. The Scottish are allowed to be transvestites.
And if I may say so, what a charming smashing blouse you've got on.
Oh but,
oh, but oh, but oh, ooh oh but, but oh, Natasha you are so beautiful! And may I say so what a charming, smashing blouse you have on.
Hillo! Arongie bom, clog dyke windmill... SHIT!!
I think our diet has got something to do with what we eat!
I said brick, Eddie... Not Penis!!
You know, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, I think I'm going to change the way I live. I'm going to get back to Blighty, find myself a piece of land, find myself a beautiful woman...Heck! Maybe
even raise some kids.
Go on, there's a pen. Write down "I'm sorry". Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat". Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat" 10 times. I will
wait over by the television until you are ready.
Right everybody, shut up, shut up. I'm here at last, hello. Now lets get things sorted out. I want all the boys over here with my birthday presents, and all the cracking birds over here, ready to give me my big birthday kiss.
Hello, get me the prime minister....because I want to blackmail him....Richard Richard....OH SHIT!!
Fifteen minutes. Not much in it for me, is there? Nah, must be a misprint, must mean seconds.
Eddie, what in the
name of greek buggery is the use of a plastic
duck?!
You thorough and total wank biscuit!
Marooned!
God
save the Quim Eddie.
Oh God look at me - I look like i've been maturbating for a month!
Well, thank you Lord for making me such a nice person. Yep, there's not many of us are there -- just me, Jesus and Mahatma Gandhi. And actually I'm a lot nicer than them two. Ho ho... I mean, Jesus had his problems, but he didn't have to put Eddie to bed every night!
Eddie Eddie Eddie! You were born in Southampton! WOW! Why did you ever leave?
Do your balls hang low, can you swing them to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie em in a bow? Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling? Oh you'll never be a sailor if your balls hang low!
Thats why I never got a shag!
Foxy stoat seeks pig.
GAS MAN! GAS MAN! GAS MAN!
See
you in a mo. A sex mo.
And you, 500 birds! I said no bikinis!
I always knew I was different from other people!
Oh sod off! Go on, sod off!! Get to soddery!
Hey Ho, another day. Good morning world. You Bastard!
Sod off you do-gooding bastards!
Marvellous banter, Eddie; I am bereft of ribs. Would you like to dally with the truth for a while?
Come on, Eddie, it's time we faced up to our responsibilities.
For the purpose of this conversation, I am my auntie.
Well
thats just effing marvellous, isnt it Eddie?
Go A-squad?
Oh, capricious fortune plays her cards with me like a Mississippi boat-whore.
He left some kayak on my beach.
Danger.
Le nuclear bomb. Oh it's all in French!
Do you want some of this, do you want some?
Monica, ha...monica. You were the first, and you were the last. You took my cherry - right off!!
Hello Big Tits, fancy some action?
I dont think I've got time to grow a beard!
Eddie! I've made your favorite........a pickled onion sandwich!
Oh languish languish l-ang-gu-is-h!
Beaches....palm trees......BAM-BOO! Palm trees....beaches......BAM-BOO! sand......trees............BAM-BOO!
So
let me get this right - vicars can only go sideways, well there's no surprise there, and the Queen goes in all directions, and apparently if a prawn goes all the way it turns into a queen? And they let children play this game you say?
Night Night, sleep tight. Hope the bed bugs do not bite. If they do, do a poo. Stick it in an irish stew.
Into the ambulance dring dring dring. Fish trousers elephant in Peking. Saw a busy bee tiddle tiddle dee. Daddys an accountant just like me. Night Night god bless.
God, I've often thought this. You know how girl angels have these big wings at the back? Does that, like, preclude them from fastening their bras at the back? I know it's a holy place and we've all done art O level, but rummin' blime it must be a bit of a jugfest up there! No wonder all the bloke angels flap about the place blowing their own
trumpets!! So god, if you could see your way through to give me some sort of sign whether I should go through with all of this, 'cause if it's gonna be all whipping and screaming and leather and restraints, then obviously... ....I'm on! Hey, then it doesn't matter which way i'm going. It's a sort of unversal jug-o-rama!!
Eddie, pop your insane leaking brain back in its sponge bag for one minute and concentrate. Now womble or not, that is our supper
I am eight inches long and 3 inches around. What
an amazing bloke! I wonder what his knob's like!
Don't you dare call me overweight young man!
Well, you learn something new every day, and today I’ve learned that you’re a complete bastard.
Elm tea. The gpysies swear by it.
You must, you must, you must drink our tea!
Once upon a time, there, there was a big forest. And in the middle of the forest, there lived...some trousers. Called...Dave.
Cigarette m'dear? Don't mind if I do m'dear. Here, have a bit of a biro to smoke
it through. Ooh, ta very much!
How dare you call me overweight!
Alright, alright, I don't wanna rip me tights.
I feel just just like Noel Wild today!
You poor sad deformed urban pustule!
Look out everybody, I'm about to blow my trousers off in merriment at Eddie's sarcasm.
Stop talking to the fucking fish!
You really are a sad, used tampon aren't you Eddie?
Oh will you stop.. wibbeling on.. like some kind of GIRL who's TRYING to HAVE a PERIOD!
Of
course she's not going to have an orgasm Eddie, she's a girl!
Edward Hitler get into the lavatory with me this instant!
Don't go, don't go, you'll like me.
Whadda you mean a bloke? I know a bird when I see one. They don't call me the "Hammersmith crumpet radar" for nothing you know!
I liberated Port Stanley Tesco's!
Yes, yes because you know that's always the picture I look at when I'm having a waa....
What If I want to have a waa..a...wa...a...wangle. It's
a medieval folk dance. What if I want to have a medieval folk dance in the middle of the night...on my own.
Don't you go using language like than young man! The language of the, of the toilet. The language of the guttersnipe. The language of the little green things that you yank out of your nose until you get a long yellow trail.
Well that'll teach you to go skirring on the cleaning then, won't it!
Go on, pop one out, please!
I'm going to count to 3, then I'm gonna have a ruddy good look through that keyhole.
Trick or ruddy treat!
So if we wanna score, were gonna have to hit that beach like two grease cougars from the planet Big Bollocks, who have just been sacked from the Chippendales for being too sexy?
You poor, sad, deformed, urban pustule.
Running Neville, yeah... no, no, no, no Sitting Neville. No, nooooo... Squatting Neville
Ohhhwowowow, I'm going crazy! Okay, dirty rugby songs, let's go! Er, twinkle, twinkle, little... Shit. Oh, that's not very dirty that one.
